Thursday, July 12, 2012

But... How's it happen?

Fat. How does it happen?

I know there are technical explanations for why someone is overweight. There's medical reasons, there's emotional reasons-- everyone's got a story to tell. That goes with anything, but what if you aren't sure what your story is?

I mean... why, of all people, am I fat? Why do I have all these desires and dreams that I want to do-- but feel unable to do so because of my weight. Was I put here to be fat-- to be a voice for the ones not strong enough to embrace their weight? After all, I am by all accounts, secure in my size. Am I fat because I'm lazy? Am I fat because I'm sick? Am I just worthless and have nothing else to look forward to than my next meal? (because let's face it.. food is effin delicious)

I always said I was fat because food was delicious. I partially joked it off as being something that was just who I was. My ENTIRE life I felt fat, the kicker to that is that I wasn't technically fat as much as I was tall and just felt fat. I was weird, therefore I stood out.. unfortunately I was too hung up on feeling fat and didn't get to embrace the geek that I could have been. I wasn't really fat until I was a Junior or Senior in high school... and even then my size was laughable compared to what I am now.

I could say that food has comforted me in times of need. I could say that I just couldn't resist the urge to snack. I could tell you many things.

Would you listen?

The thing is.. is unless you're fat, or have been fat and have managed to not become holier than all of us who are fat, you don't get it. Being toned and in shape isn't real to me. It's not tangible. That's something that everyone else is. It's what isolates me. It's the thing that I just discount as anything I could achieve. It's always been that way. Everyone was smaller, more toned.. they could wear what I couldn't. I was the odd man out because I was fat. The bad thing is that most of this thinking happened before I was even FAT.

My own making made me fat.

I thought I was fat, therefore I just gave into it and as a result.. .ACTUALLY became fat. A few years ago I decided to embrace it and stop fighting it, stop being ashamed and just be me. I'm fat and fabulous right? Well.. that's all fine well and good. I worked on finding myself, styling myself and showering myself with things (when I could afford it) that were cheap, but made me feel pretty. That worked for awhile. I knew I was fat, but I was proud that I was one of the few people you'd find in walmart that didn't look like a people of walmart intervention. I mean, maybe I did deserve that honor a time or two... but I was in on the joke. The pictures never lied though. The expanding waist line didn't lie. The aches, the pains and the inability to breathe didn't lie. The legitimate fear that I could have a heart attack at any moment scared me shitless.

The crazy thing is that even with my seriousness (and often falling down) on this path to being healthy and losing weight, I still cut myself short. My "goal" for the long term still has me as a plus size woman. I'd be able to wear a 12/14. Why cut myself short? I don't know... I hope that I can eventually adjust that thinking and find myself worthy of something smaller... but for now it's hard enough to believe I could get to at 12/14.

I'd be lying if I said that society doesn't make me uncomfortable. I'd be a dishonest person if I wasn't straight with you-- I feel like obesity is the last acceptable form of discrimination. You can't do anything about a person's race or sexual orientation without facing a lawful consequences (and that isn't negative)... but you can mock, laugh, deny and abuse someone who is obese and it's okay, because they aren't worthy anything. They are just lazy, undeserving piles of heavy baggage on society.

Not everyone is strong enough to lose it all alone. I'm not even sure I am. I'm leaning on everything and everyone who will let me (and that's not many, let me tell you). You find weightloss buddies and most of them stick with it for a week or two then they are tapping out. I've found a really great buddy, and she's been a life saver (literally.. I mean.. I would die if I don't get the weight off.) She's had some pretty remarkable results, and it's because of her that I'm learning to eat right without living on carrots and lettuce. Aside from all of the support, I hate that people are judged immediately. I hate that I am judged immediately. I'm not a real contribution to society because I'm fat.

I'm not losing it for the judgments... that's just an added bonus (I hope) of getting it off. I'm doing this because it is time to reclaim my life. It is time to be who I am meant to be. It's time to stand up and be strong, not for the right to wear what I want or shower myself in jewelry.. but for ME. It's to be here for my son. It's to hike.It's to move somewhere with something other than an outlet mall; and get something valuable out of living with nature. It's to eat healthy because I want to, not because I feel like I have to.

So.. in closing. I have no idea why I'm fat. I don't tap into my brain and ask myself these things... I just reflect on why I was weak enough to get to this point. I know that I've made my own bed and now it's time to make it. I know that I've tried and failed more times than I can count on my hands. I know that I'm messed up and kicked around-- but I also know that underneath it all I've built character; all I can do is pray and push that girl buried deep in there there to overcome and be something special.

This isn't just about weightloss. This is about coming out victorious in the most wicked, twisted game of all: Life.

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