Monday, May 20, 2013

A few of my goals

It's hard to put your goals on paper. There's so much that goes through my mind when I think of my quality of life once I lose the weight. It's hard. I've always felt fat, even when I wasn't, so it's hard to say what I'll do when I'm healthy and feeling good (or if I ever will.)

I decided that without much pomp and circumstance, I'd type out a few of my current goals. I'll add to this post as I think of things-- but I'm trying to make this as specific as I can. I obviously want a clean bill of health, I want my clothes to fit.. etc... so this is the home for all of the specifics. It's not that long right now, but as I really reflect on what I want to do, it'll fill up.

-Do the GA portion of the App Trail - This will be my first 50lbs treat. I won't be able to do the whole thing, but I want to attempt my first time once I hit 50lbs lost. When I lose all my weight, I want to challenge to at least do a bi-state hike.

-Do the following (Running/Walking/Dying... just doing it)
•Color Run
•Warrior Dash
•Biggest Loser 5k/10k
•Biggest Loser 5k Off-road
•Disney's run
•ZOMBIE RUN!!! AHHH... I want to do this so bad RIGHT NOW, but I wanna be in tip top shape so I don't risk infection! I want to do this as a zombie as well. 

-Go Snowboarding
-Do a pin-up style photo shoot in a 2 piece retro styled bikini
-Learn to rollerblade
-Get hit on by someone. I know this sounds silly, but it's never happened.
-Write a book about my journey, trials, tribulations and how it IS possible.
-Dance on a stage somewhere again. I hope that once I lose some of the weight, I can take some dance classes again. I want to take that a step further and perform. After I get to a healthy spot in my life, I'll take THAT a step further and start dance classes for kids who live in homeless/battered shelters.
-Buy something from a "normal" store. This is more of a benchmark than anything else, but I look foward to the day I can do that, even if I don't actually BUY it. I just want the option.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

{My} Biggest Loser Casting Call Expierence

This is going to be a very straight forward presentation of what you can expect as you take the first step in your journey to a NEW YOU!

The casting call for Atlanta (and I believe all the other cities as well) started at 10am. I knew from my extensive reasearch leading up to the big day that you CAN and WILL want to line up early, but I also knew that they didn't advise lining up any earlier than 3 hours prior to call time. I knew, based on the location of the call, that I wouldn't feel comfortable lining up TOO much earlier than that anyway. (I mean, have you seen the streets of ATL after dark??) We arrived to line up at roughly 7am sharp by the time we parked. This put me in line as number 187.

The 3 hours leading up to the 10 am casting call were pretty straight forward. I was actually not feeling my 100% self, so I stayed pretty reserved in line. We did have a loud bunch behind us, that while funny, got to be pretty obnoxious relatively fast. I think it's great that so many people made new friends (AND I RECOMMEND THAT!) but bringing a whistle that you fire off at every opportunity does tend to wear on the folks around you. It was a good laugh though. TONS of people pulled to the redlight by where we were seated and asked what the event was. I polietly answered. I feel bad for the folks who stopped the whistle crew, for they got many an answer and none were true. I got a good laugh out of one lady who stopped me. She asked if we were waiting in a marathon line. I told her what it was, then realized that she just asked if 300 (morbidly, some of us) obese people were waiting in line for a marathon run. I appreciated her inabiltiy to judge due to weight, but couldn't help think that if we were, it was probably to the nearest all you can eat buffet.

Once 10am hit, it took a few minutes for the circulation to come (probably because of our position in line) but these super adorable (and skinny, of course!) young ladies brought around applications for us to fill out. It was difficult without anything to press on, but I managed through it. It was just a short version of the long application you fill out when you turn in your home tape. It asked why you felt you were fat, if there was anything interesting you had to share, etc. Typical story hunting stuff. Remember that this is television. You want to be honest, but you don't want to discount things that have happened because you never know what they are looking for and what'll peek the interest of a casting director.

So from there we filled out our applications, and waited a little bit more. The line moved slow, but it was at a steady pace. You'll see why soon enough. As we moved in line, nerves and anxieities started to kick in for a lot of people. I was actually calm. I handed everything over to the Big Guy awhile back. If he wanted this, it would happen; if not, I'd take a nice lesson of some sort out of it.

Once we moved closer to the front, you could see that they were letting groups of 10 inside. This is something I anticipated because of my research. (NOTE: This will be different every place you audition at due to buildings and what is available. This is based on MY EXPERIENCE.) Once inside, we were placed in our group in a small room. There, a representative of some sort from BL informed us to choose ONE current photo to attach to the back of our sheet. If you were like me, and overachieved with a full sheet of photos, you can attach it-- but it's not preferred. I had a single photo of myself and my son as backup, so I went with that.

We moved from that room to another general area, and it is here that we stayed in our group but were put with 4-6 other groups. They had a small section by the casting director's rooms that housed 3 groups at a time that were briefed before they went in. We waited here for 10-15 minutes before moving down to the briefing lines.

The briefing line was full of emotions. You could feel the tensions, stresses, excitment and all the other emotions bouncing through our lines. A guy there spoke to us about what to expect. You get 30 seconds to talk. They will give you the topic. Be yourself. Don't be scared. Impress them. No pressure right? Thankfully, whistle girl was in that line, so she dominated conversation. I thanked my stars that I wasn't in her group. The guy who told us what to expect was both funny and motivational. He reminded us that we already won by making the decision that enough was enough. He encouraged us to do it on our own if we don't make it. He reminded us that this is merely one outlet, of many, that could assist us on our way.

Then came the moment we'd built up for. The moment we had put so much money traveling into. The adorable casting gal came up and grabbed us, and took us into a small conference room. She informed us that we needed to have ONLY our application on the table with us. We put our safety net of purses, bags and blankets by the wall and took a seat at a U-shaped table that featured exactly 10 chairs. She introduced herself and again told us what to expect. She had a timer that she'd use to track time, and asked that we be respectful of everyone speaking and not take up all the air time. Whew, here we go. She wanted Name, Age, Occupation and how much we want to lose. Okay! I know those answers! It came to my turn and I gave what they needed. "My name is Ashley, I'm 29. I'm a graphic designer and I need to lose 180lbs" It was at that moment that I realized I needed to lose more than this poor girl's entire body. Funny enough, I wasn't alone and I was comforted in the numbers that the others said.

After we were done telling our basic information, she asked one question: "Why do you need this". Oh well shoot, I need this for many reasons-- how in the heck am I to put that in 30 seconds or less? I'd prepared for this question, as I'd heard it was what they asked, but even at that moment I had no idea what to say. I was one of the first ones in line to speak, so I had nothing to go on. My response was as follows:

"I'm a single mom to a child with special needs. I've spent my whole life fighting battles that others waged at me without my control, and at this point in my life it is time to put that aside. It's me time. It's time to fight my biggest war yet, the war of myself. I need to be around for my son so I have no choice but to do it. That is why I'm here"

It was straight and to the point. I didn't break into to tears like the others there, and I didn't tell my story. I had a calm come over me. I said what I needed to say.

After we all said our pieces (and attempted to not cry after the last angel spoke about how she hasn't been able to get pregnant due to her PCOS, and her husband just overcame cancer and all they want is a family..) she asked us who has been an involved in athletics or dance. Sweet! I raised my hand. I was a dancer. SCORE.

She then went on to tell us that the ranch will be "effin hard guys" and that we need to be prepared for that. She asked who that scared. No hands. Oh yeah, we're ballin. We just stood in line for 5 hours for this, we refuse to let on that we may not be able to survive the first run.

She thanked us, told us that callbacks would be done by midnight and told us how to leave. We walked in the general direction we were pointed into and saw a table with free reusable shopping bags. Aww yeah, they know how to win me over. Free crap. If I didn't make it, I at least have another bag to fill with food. Yessah.

On the way out, we were met at the door by some previous BL contestants. We had a few minutes of conversation about how the ranch was the easy part, it's coming home that's hard.

....and that was that. I didn't recieve a call back from Atlanta (though I really hope that at least 3 people from my room do-- last lady I mentioned included. They had the brighest, but most defeated souls. They deserve it.)I did submit a home tape, so who knows what will come of that. Maybe I'll get a call back. Maybe I won't. Regardless of what happens, I need to find my center and I need to lose this, TV or no TV.

If you're reading this because you're considering trying out. DO IT. Please don't be scared. Don't be nervous. It's a step in the right direction. The worst thing that would happen is you make a small investement to learning A LOT more about yourself than you think you will. (Seriously, that home tape really forced me out of my comfort zone.) It's a step that you're taking that many people are too weak to take. You owe it to yourself to see what comes of it, because if you don't, you'll never know.

What I'd recommend bringing to an open casting call:
A CHAIR! -- I brought a blanket because I can't fit my chairs, but I recommend one more than anything else.
Plenty of water, healthy and FILLING snacks. I
A clipboard and a good pen.
Contact cards or something that you can exchange information with. I opted out of being social, but DONT DO THAT!
At least a day's worth of research. You've already taken that step by reading this.
A camera. I didn't have one to bring, but I so wish I could have gotten the antics that the whistle group did throughout the day.
Your story. Know your strengths, what got you here and what you would bring to the grand scheme of things.

I wish you all the best of luck. If you go for it, or have in the past, let me know how it went!

Much <3,

My Armor is my prison.

I've come to the conclusion that my body is my armor. I put this armor on to combat everything that life threw at me. I felt fat my entire life, therefore actually becoming fat was a natural progression. Food didn't judge me, and each time something major would occur in my life, I'd throw a few more layers onto "my armor".

My armor has become my prison. It's a prison where food is readily available. Where walking is optional. It's a prison that many people would love to live in, if it weren't for the fact that this armor I put on is killing me. It's slowly ripping every fiber of my being away from me. For everything to be so chaotic around me, I fully enjoy... LIVING. I had so many parts of my life taken from people who had no business taking them, that now that I am an adult with a child of my own, my one true desire is to live this life that I've been so blessed to have. There's so many dreams unseen, so many pieces of ground that I have yet to touch-- yet I'm so comfortable in this prision of mine that I can't make the changes that I need to make in order to live.

It's grabbing me by the throat, forcing me to consume it's soul. It's choking the life out of me. I feel like it's a black hole that has just swallowed me up, and it's so much bigger than I am. It's far beyond my reach. I can't even manage to reason with it. There are no guards, no building, just total life consumption and darkness.

The most bizarre part of this whole prison black hole scenerios is that overall, I'm a positive person. I see things for what they are, and I improve upon them or change my emotions about them until they are the outcome I desire. There are many things in life that I would change, or at least make better (I'd have money, support family, a stable job, I could keep going...) but aside from the prison that my armor has become, I do okay. It's just this one situation here that I can't seem to shake. I can't seem to find the light switch. I KNOW what I need to do. I can VISUALIZE the end product. I know every. single. time. that I eat something I shouldn't. My tiny voice functions, and it screams at me daily.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't sure how I'll react to myself once I reach the end of the battle. I'm not even sure at this point if that's something I will be able to do.

Friday, August 3, 2012

The hardest week yet

This week has been so difficult. I started a new job. We ran out of food. It's been a fun challenge. I've always known that dieting was hard on a budget, but when the budget runs out and there's nothing left but pieces of things--- you can't really do much. This explains a lot of why I have yo-yo'ed. I never put healthy food on the top of the list. I purchased rice, beans... things that weren't exactly unhealthy--- but cheap, at the top of my list.

I've gained give or take 3 pounds this week. I weighed in at 310.8 this morning. I'm still hanging tough with my 10 lbs loss.. but it's so hard to feel good about myself when I failed so hard on the one week I had such big plans for. On top of my lack of everything, I haven't exercised.. partly because I don't have the proper nutrition to hold up for it, and partly because I am overwelmed and stressed.

I know this wasn't an extravagant post, but I hope by putting it out there, it won't be screaming at me from the inside and I can move on and get back on track.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Losing on the crimson wave

Long time no update.. I mean.. a week in internet land is like an eternity yeah?

So.. I'm still here. So far in total, as of the last weigh in, I'm down 7 pounds and some change. Not very impressive for me to have been at this seriously for a month-- even longer if you count the day I decided to start losing. I know that it's not bad, considering it's mainly off of diet alone. I've done a few half-assed workouts here and there, but mainly count work as exercise. 

Every bit counts when you're used to doing nothing.

I had in my mind that this week was crunch week. This was do or die. This was the week I started to sweat. 

This is also the week that Auntie Flo decided to come. She's a crazy aunt too. She's the one that brings you trinkets from her world travels, mismatches her socks and wears clogs from 1972. She's painfully predictable in all her uniqueness.

Every month my body decides to rip down new walls one by one, scratching at the surface until I bleed whil--- okay nevermind

Anyway, she's been kind of crazy lately because of some medical problems I have and can't get seen about. Right now she's raging like a beast.

Motivation to do much more than sleep is hard to come by.

Irregardless, I'm giving 'er a good go. We'll see what my outcome is at the end of the week. 

I originally had this goal of being 299 by the end of the first week of August-- but I don't see that happening. It's sad, but I have to be realistic in my expectations. I've got to be able to sweat to get there, and at this point I'm doggy paddling between the shallow and deep end. My new goal is to be 305. It is still going to be tough, but I want to break the 10lbs barrier within the next week. We'll see what I can pull out of my behind in the next 3-4 days. If I'm not 305 by then, I'll be okay with it. I want to be able to report a loss each week for at least the first 15-20 pounds.

I'm tired of being fat, and even though I've lost 7 pounds, I am ready to see the results and have others notice too. 
..................................this is only the beginning *sigh*

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Video Tutorial: Fruit Smoothie

Here is the video that I just made for one of my smoothies that I've been making on the regular. It's aiding in this whole journey that I'm on, and as someone who hates the texture of fruit.. I thought that it may prove useful to someone else out there!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

But... How's it happen?

Fat. How does it happen?

I know there are technical explanations for why someone is overweight. There's medical reasons, there's emotional reasons-- everyone's got a story to tell. That goes with anything, but what if you aren't sure what your story is?

I mean... why, of all people, am I fat? Why do I have all these desires and dreams that I want to do-- but feel unable to do so because of my weight. Was I put here to be fat-- to be a voice for the ones not strong enough to embrace their weight? After all, I am by all accounts, secure in my size. Am I fat because I'm lazy? Am I fat because I'm sick? Am I just worthless and have nothing else to look forward to than my next meal? (because let's face it.. food is effin delicious)

I always said I was fat because food was delicious. I partially joked it off as being something that was just who I was. My ENTIRE life I felt fat, the kicker to that is that I wasn't technically fat as much as I was tall and just felt fat. I was weird, therefore I stood out.. unfortunately I was too hung up on feeling fat and didn't get to embrace the geek that I could have been. I wasn't really fat until I was a Junior or Senior in high school... and even then my size was laughable compared to what I am now.

I could say that food has comforted me in times of need. I could say that I just couldn't resist the urge to snack. I could tell you many things.

Would you listen?

The thing is.. is unless you're fat, or have been fat and have managed to not become holier than all of us who are fat, you don't get it. Being toned and in shape isn't real to me. It's not tangible. That's something that everyone else is. It's what isolates me. It's the thing that I just discount as anything I could achieve. It's always been that way. Everyone was smaller, more toned.. they could wear what I couldn't. I was the odd man out because I was fat. The bad thing is that most of this thinking happened before I was even FAT.

My own making made me fat.

I thought I was fat, therefore I just gave into it and as a result.. .ACTUALLY became fat. A few years ago I decided to embrace it and stop fighting it, stop being ashamed and just be me. I'm fat and fabulous right? Well.. that's all fine well and good. I worked on finding myself, styling myself and showering myself with things (when I could afford it) that were cheap, but made me feel pretty. That worked for awhile. I knew I was fat, but I was proud that I was one of the few people you'd find in walmart that didn't look like a people of walmart intervention. I mean, maybe I did deserve that honor a time or two... but I was in on the joke. The pictures never lied though. The expanding waist line didn't lie. The aches, the pains and the inability to breathe didn't lie. The legitimate fear that I could have a heart attack at any moment scared me shitless.

The crazy thing is that even with my seriousness (and often falling down) on this path to being healthy and losing weight, I still cut myself short. My "goal" for the long term still has me as a plus size woman. I'd be able to wear a 12/14. Why cut myself short? I don't know... I hope that I can eventually adjust that thinking and find myself worthy of something smaller... but for now it's hard enough to believe I could get to at 12/14.

I'd be lying if I said that society doesn't make me uncomfortable. I'd be a dishonest person if I wasn't straight with you-- I feel like obesity is the last acceptable form of discrimination. You can't do anything about a person's race or sexual orientation without facing a lawful consequences (and that isn't negative)... but you can mock, laugh, deny and abuse someone who is obese and it's okay, because they aren't worthy anything. They are just lazy, undeserving piles of heavy baggage on society.

Not everyone is strong enough to lose it all alone. I'm not even sure I am. I'm leaning on everything and everyone who will let me (and that's not many, let me tell you). You find weightloss buddies and most of them stick with it for a week or two then they are tapping out. I've found a really great buddy, and she's been a life saver (literally.. I mean.. I would die if I don't get the weight off.) She's had some pretty remarkable results, and it's because of her that I'm learning to eat right without living on carrots and lettuce. Aside from all of the support, I hate that people are judged immediately. I hate that I am judged immediately. I'm not a real contribution to society because I'm fat.

I'm not losing it for the judgments... that's just an added bonus (I hope) of getting it off. I'm doing this because it is time to reclaim my life. It is time to be who I am meant to be. It's time to stand up and be strong, not for the right to wear what I want or shower myself in jewelry.. but for ME. It's to be here for my son. It's to hike.It's to move somewhere with something other than an outlet mall; and get something valuable out of living with nature. It's to eat healthy because I want to, not because I feel like I have to.

So.. in closing. I have no idea why I'm fat. I don't tap into my brain and ask myself these things... I just reflect on why I was weak enough to get to this point. I know that I've made my own bed and now it's time to make it. I know that I've tried and failed more times than I can count on my hands. I know that I'm messed up and kicked around-- but I also know that underneath it all I've built character; all I can do is pray and push that girl buried deep in there there to overcome and be something special.

This isn't just about weightloss. This is about coming out victorious in the most wicked, twisted game of all: Life.