Friday, August 3, 2012

The hardest week yet

This week has been so difficult. I started a new job. We ran out of food. It's been a fun challenge. I've always known that dieting was hard on a budget, but when the budget runs out and there's nothing left but pieces of things--- you can't really do much. This explains a lot of why I have yo-yo'ed. I never put healthy food on the top of the list. I purchased rice, beans... things that weren't exactly unhealthy--- but cheap, at the top of my list.

I've gained give or take 3 pounds this week. I weighed in at 310.8 this morning. I'm still hanging tough with my 10 lbs loss.. but it's so hard to feel good about myself when I failed so hard on the one week I had such big plans for. On top of my lack of everything, I haven't exercised.. partly because I don't have the proper nutrition to hold up for it, and partly because I am overwelmed and stressed.

I know this wasn't an extravagant post, but I hope by putting it out there, it won't be screaming at me from the inside and I can move on and get back on track.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Losing on the crimson wave

Long time no update.. I mean.. a week in internet land is like an eternity yeah?

So.. I'm still here. So far in total, as of the last weigh in, I'm down 7 pounds and some change. Not very impressive for me to have been at this seriously for a month-- even longer if you count the day I decided to start losing. I know that it's not bad, considering it's mainly off of diet alone. I've done a few half-assed workouts here and there, but mainly count work as exercise. 

Every bit counts when you're used to doing nothing.

I had in my mind that this week was crunch week. This was do or die. This was the week I started to sweat. 

This is also the week that Auntie Flo decided to come. She's a crazy aunt too. She's the one that brings you trinkets from her world travels, mismatches her socks and wears clogs from 1972. She's painfully predictable in all her uniqueness.

Every month my body decides to rip down new walls one by one, scratching at the surface until I bleed whil--- okay nevermind

Anyway, she's been kind of crazy lately because of some medical problems I have and can't get seen about. Right now she's raging like a beast.

Motivation to do much more than sleep is hard to come by.

Irregardless, I'm giving 'er a good go. We'll see what my outcome is at the end of the week. 

I originally had this goal of being 299 by the end of the first week of August-- but I don't see that happening. It's sad, but I have to be realistic in my expectations. I've got to be able to sweat to get there, and at this point I'm doggy paddling between the shallow and deep end. My new goal is to be 305. It is still going to be tough, but I want to break the 10lbs barrier within the next week. We'll see what I can pull out of my behind in the next 3-4 days. If I'm not 305 by then, I'll be okay with it. I want to be able to report a loss each week for at least the first 15-20 pounds.

I'm tired of being fat, and even though I've lost 7 pounds, I am ready to see the results and have others notice too. 
..................................this is only the beginning *sigh*

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Video Tutorial: Fruit Smoothie

Here is the video that I just made for one of my smoothies that I've been making on the regular. It's aiding in this whole journey that I'm on, and as someone who hates the texture of fruit.. I thought that it may prove useful to someone else out there!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

But... How's it happen?

Fat. How does it happen?

I know there are technical explanations for why someone is overweight. There's medical reasons, there's emotional reasons-- everyone's got a story to tell. That goes with anything, but what if you aren't sure what your story is?

I mean... why, of all people, am I fat? Why do I have all these desires and dreams that I want to do-- but feel unable to do so because of my weight. Was I put here to be fat-- to be a voice for the ones not strong enough to embrace their weight? After all, I am by all accounts, secure in my size. Am I fat because I'm lazy? Am I fat because I'm sick? Am I just worthless and have nothing else to look forward to than my next meal? (because let's face it.. food is effin delicious)

I always said I was fat because food was delicious. I partially joked it off as being something that was just who I was. My ENTIRE life I felt fat, the kicker to that is that I wasn't technically fat as much as I was tall and just felt fat. I was weird, therefore I stood out.. unfortunately I was too hung up on feeling fat and didn't get to embrace the geek that I could have been. I wasn't really fat until I was a Junior or Senior in high school... and even then my size was laughable compared to what I am now.

I could say that food has comforted me in times of need. I could say that I just couldn't resist the urge to snack. I could tell you many things.

Would you listen?

The thing is.. is unless you're fat, or have been fat and have managed to not become holier than all of us who are fat, you don't get it. Being toned and in shape isn't real to me. It's not tangible. That's something that everyone else is. It's what isolates me. It's the thing that I just discount as anything I could achieve. It's always been that way. Everyone was smaller, more toned.. they could wear what I couldn't. I was the odd man out because I was fat. The bad thing is that most of this thinking happened before I was even FAT.

My own making made me fat.

I thought I was fat, therefore I just gave into it and as a result.. .ACTUALLY became fat. A few years ago I decided to embrace it and stop fighting it, stop being ashamed and just be me. I'm fat and fabulous right? Well.. that's all fine well and good. I worked on finding myself, styling myself and showering myself with things (when I could afford it) that were cheap, but made me feel pretty. That worked for awhile. I knew I was fat, but I was proud that I was one of the few people you'd find in walmart that didn't look like a people of walmart intervention. I mean, maybe I did deserve that honor a time or two... but I was in on the joke. The pictures never lied though. The expanding waist line didn't lie. The aches, the pains and the inability to breathe didn't lie. The legitimate fear that I could have a heart attack at any moment scared me shitless.

The crazy thing is that even with my seriousness (and often falling down) on this path to being healthy and losing weight, I still cut myself short. My "goal" for the long term still has me as a plus size woman. I'd be able to wear a 12/14. Why cut myself short? I don't know... I hope that I can eventually adjust that thinking and find myself worthy of something smaller... but for now it's hard enough to believe I could get to at 12/14.

I'd be lying if I said that society doesn't make me uncomfortable. I'd be a dishonest person if I wasn't straight with you-- I feel like obesity is the last acceptable form of discrimination. You can't do anything about a person's race or sexual orientation without facing a lawful consequences (and that isn't negative)... but you can mock, laugh, deny and abuse someone who is obese and it's okay, because they aren't worthy anything. They are just lazy, undeserving piles of heavy baggage on society.

Not everyone is strong enough to lose it all alone. I'm not even sure I am. I'm leaning on everything and everyone who will let me (and that's not many, let me tell you). You find weightloss buddies and most of them stick with it for a week or two then they are tapping out. I've found a really great buddy, and she's been a life saver (literally.. I mean.. I would die if I don't get the weight off.) She's had some pretty remarkable results, and it's because of her that I'm learning to eat right without living on carrots and lettuce. Aside from all of the support, I hate that people are judged immediately. I hate that I am judged immediately. I'm not a real contribution to society because I'm fat.

I'm not losing it for the judgments... that's just an added bonus (I hope) of getting it off. I'm doing this because it is time to reclaim my life. It is time to be who I am meant to be. It's time to stand up and be strong, not for the right to wear what I want or shower myself in jewelry.. but for ME. It's to be here for my son. It's to hike.It's to move somewhere with something other than an outlet mall; and get something valuable out of living with nature. It's to eat healthy because I want to, not because I feel like I have to.

So.. in closing. I have no idea why I'm fat. I don't tap into my brain and ask myself these things... I just reflect on why I was weak enough to get to this point. I know that I've made my own bed and now it's time to make it. I know that I've tried and failed more times than I can count on my hands. I know that I'm messed up and kicked around-- but I also know that underneath it all I've built character; all I can do is pray and push that girl buried deep in there there to overcome and be something special.

This isn't just about weightloss. This is about coming out victorious in the most wicked, twisted game of all: Life.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I ate WHAT?!

Dude.. or dudes.. or whatever--

I ate way too much today. I was so bad. It was terrible. I guess nobody is perfect... and I guess I did too well for too long. Without judgement.. here's how my day looked:

Wake up.. went to work without food (MISTAKE NUMBER ONE!). I worked the whole shift without even getting anything to drink (tsk, tsk... it's a good time to get your water in, duh Ashley!)

I come home.. and bring my score from the store home. I got wheat sub rolls on SALE! woooo.. that always makes things justifiable. Anyway, I made a sandwich.. one slice of turkey, one slice of ham.. swiss and american cheese... mayo.. & lettuce. Overall it wasn't a horrible meal... but had I known what my evening held, I would have opted for a smoothie.

I then went to run errands. My car has no working AC and it was, at the time, cooler outside than it was in my car. My brother asked me to pick up candy and drinks for him and my son.. so I did this. I also picked up some for me. (AGAIN... had I known I would have anything other than a salad, I would have left it alone.) I ate my dark chocolate milkyway like tomorrow wasn't coming. (DC is healthy, yeah?!) I did get the can size diet coke... not that it helps anything.

Anyway... that was the morning/early afternoon food.

I got a little hungry later on and took about 4 corn chips from my son. Not a lot, and it didn't put a dent in my remaining calories... I was still on my track at this point. I also had a wedge of laughing cow cheese.

..........then it happened.

My brother (whom never even eats with us.. much less offers to buy and cook food) asks if I want to grill out. UM YES?.. He's boss on a grill. I figured I could still stick to my plan with the food he was cooking. Eat a modest meal and maybe even eat the burger with no bun.

Nah dawg... he had baked beans, those GOOD friggin buns.. all the fixins.

Okay.. that's cool. I'll eat one burger and a cup of beans. Nevermind that I snuck a few bites out of the pot before I fixed my plate. So.. I fill up to the brim on that food. I put in my calories and I have 90 left.


... then he's like.. hey, im making hotdogs.. I know you only like them burn, so I burned one.


Needless to say.. I blew it today. I did have a good 30 minutes of sweating and burning off calories.. but the deficit did nothing for my hot mess of screwing up.

I guess it's salads for the rest of the week eh?

The farm called.. they need momma pig back home.

--Momma pig.

Monday, July 9, 2012

'Ello World

Well.. I've been on this "journey" for a few weeks now. I'd say at least 3, maybe even four. I've lost 5 pounds. I will say... this is the slowest I've ever lost weight. Did you catch that? It's the slowest I've ever lost weight, meaning I've been here before. This time, it's different. This is a lifestyle change. This is an understanding that I don't have to live on rabbit food and water. The weight is coming off slow, but I haven't gone without one thing I've wanted. Sure.. I've craved foods that I decided not to get.. but in the handful of weeks I've been doing this, I have indulged in birthday cake and ice cream, Applebees at least twice (and not from the 550 cal menu either).. and resorted to fast food before work more than once.

Sure.. I've got some learning to do. I've got some adjustments to still make. I've got to start working out regular (it's been a minute or three)... but I'm getting somewhere.

The other day someone I know told me that my stomach looked smaller. You want to talk about feeling like I had just roped the moon? Yes ma'am. That did it for me.

Anyway, this is more or less a short introduction to this blog. This is going to accompany the weightloss vlogs that I have been doing each week. I put them on youtube so that I feel like I'm being held accountable. When those go up, they will also go here for your viewing enjoyment.

I'm not sure what this will become. I have a fashion/art blog.. and I have my rant about life's deepest meanings blog.. so this, I assume.. will be the rest of it. The untold struggle that has been told over and over again. The path to weight loss.. eating right, exercising, fitting into clothes... etc.. you get the drill.

I hope you subscribe and come along on this journey with me.

...and for the record:
The beginning. 320. Down from my largest ever adult weight of somewhere in the 336 range. Man, I'm a big ole broad. Time to fix that yeah?